Friday, July 6, 2012
"A Life Saved" by Regan
My NAPFA test was imminent. I had failed my 1.6km run last year when I was in primary four last year and I was determined to make my parents proud this year.
I was training for my 1.6km run at East Coast Park, on a Friday evening. There was a beautiful sunset and there were not many people around. A fat man, probably in his forties, was jogging in front of me.
The old man had a few strands of white hair. He was trying to lose weight, perhaps. At first, I took little notice of him but after awhile, he seemed to have some difficulties. He was sweating profusely and he swayed from left to right. Then, his strides became shorter and he stopped and held on to his chest. Before I could react, his knees buckled and he collapsed.
“ H…h…heelpp,” the old man struggled in agony, his face writhing.
I had not been in this type of scenario before. I stared at him and finally managed to regain my composure. I saw a pond nearby and, as fast as my legs could carry me, I ran to it, shouting “ Help!!” on the way. I used my water bottle to collect some water and ran back. I splashed the water onto his face but there was no reaction.
My cry of help caught everyone’s attention and I was relieved that I did not have to face this situation on my own. One of the passers-by seemed to know what to do. He immediately administered CPR on the old man. The others crowded around us. I immediately called the ambulance. The passer-by continued to administer CPR on the old man.
I was very sure the colours from my face were drained. I was scared and did not know what to do. I said a silent prayer and prayed for a miracle to happen. After awhile, my prayer was answered. The old man let out a cough. “Thank god he’s still alive," I thought, heaving a huge sigh of relief.
At last, I heard a siren. The paramedics carried the old man to the ambulance. They checked his heart beat, pulse rate, etc. Finally, the ambulance sped off. Some of the passers-by patted me on my back and commended me for my composure.
I continued training for my 1.6km run. When I went home, I told my parents everything. I did not have to make my parents proud with my NAPFA test. They were already proud of me!
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It is a good composition. I have learnt a few new words from this. I will use those new words and phrases in my future compositions.
ReplyDeleteThe start and the end had a link of making the parents proud.It was a good composition with alot of new words.
ReplyDeleteI learnt that we should not always use suddenly because there is also something happening before the old man fell down.
ReplyDeleteI learnt a few words and I now know that something will happen before something happens.
ReplyDeleteI love your writting as you use good phrases so that i can also use it in my compo!! :D
ReplyDeleteWe must also describe the person.
ReplyDeleteI should apply new words which I learned in class.We shouldn't always start a sentence with ' I , WE , THEY ETC.' as it is not interesting . Describing is important too. We can make the audience excited by changing the situation. According to Regan 's passage , to make his parents proud , he had to pass the 1.6 km run. But ,he saved someone which made his parents proud.
ReplyDeletei learnt that i sould not use suddenly as nothing can happen so suddenly.like suddenly he fell.this sentence describes the man falling immeadiately,you mean he did not do anything before he fell?
ReplyDeleteI learnt that the ending and the beggining has to be related so the story will be more interesting and more fun.(to look forward to).I also like the way Regan describes the sentences.
ReplyDeleteI learnt that we must not just write "suddenly fall down",we must describe what he did before falling down.
ReplyDeleteThis composition has many good words and I do not know their meanings. I learnt that there is always a sign of warning that he is going fall. We should not use " Out of the blue" or " suddenly " as there is always a sign of warning.
ReplyDeleteI learnt that I should write with words that I had learnt. Regan must have tought through the whole story well as the idea in this story was excellent. The part which i love the most is the ending.
ReplyDeleteLearnt a lot of words a lot of words and that we should not use words like suddenly.
ReplyDeleteSimilar to Megan's composition, the introduction and the ending were sort of linked together. Did not go out of point and used good descriptions like: 'The old man had a few strands of white hair. He was trying to lose weight, perhaps.'. This composition is a very good example.
ReplyDeleteThe start and the ending had a link which is very useful when dealing with real compositions
ReplyDeleteIn Regan's story he use many new phrase and word i never seen before like buckled
ReplyDeleteThe ending and the starting links well , just like Megan's story . There are many good phrases and words
ReplyDeleteHis introduction and ending is linked.From his composition,I can learn that there are usually signs/warnings before an accident happened.I like the way he construct his sentences to form a great piece of writing.I can also learn some words and phrases from his composition.
ReplyDeleteThis composition is a well-written one. From this composition, I learn alot of new phrases and words.
ReplyDeleteThis compo is interesting. I learn alot of new word and phrases
ReplyDeleteThe introduction and ending, same as Megan's composition, is linked. I learnt that I must describe what happened in the time when the ambulance came or something else. I have also learnt some good words and phrases.
ReplyDeleteI learnt more composition phrases from Regan and Megan. I learnt more about how to describe the man before he collapsed.
ReplyDeleteThe introduction is related to the question and linked to the ending in making the parents proud.There are some good words and phrases and I can use them in my composition next time.
ReplyDeleteRegan was awesome! He had a very description about the old and the serenic view around him. In my opinion he should get about 35!
ReplyDelete:p
Yah I agree,Regan you are great.the description of the park was written beautifully.
DeleteHe's work is way better than mine. I learnt alot of new words too. He should get a higher mark
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about the story is the ending when he made his parents proud because of saving someone's life, not because of passing NAPFA test. Regan uses some of the words Mdm Toh taught us.
ReplyDeletei learned a phrase colours from my face were drained. The colours from my face were drained when he suffered froma heart attack.
ReplyDelete